I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
