So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
