I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
