I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my shit smells like andre
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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