hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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