it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
