I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Did I show you my penis last night?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
