Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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