That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
