I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
