The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
