i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
