He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
