For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
