I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
