So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
