I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
