Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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