just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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