I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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