Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
