so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
