You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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