My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
