I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
