Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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