I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
