So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
