I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
