as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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