9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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