Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
