Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
