You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
