went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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