Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
