Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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