shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
