y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
