hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
