I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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