I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
