Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
