yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
