will power is for people who don't want to get laid
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize