chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
