Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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