This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
