I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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