I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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