Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
