Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
