All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize