So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
