It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
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