White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Randomize
