need another drink. this is the easiest way
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize