I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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