I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
