Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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