actually, I'm a sock model
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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